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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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