Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
