he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
