Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
