he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
