Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
