I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
