Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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