It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
