I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
