I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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