Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
