Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
