Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I am mentally ready for anal.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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