I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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