happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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