I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
