I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
