I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
