So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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