something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
