I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
