I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
