so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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