But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
