I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
