I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
