shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
