your parents love me but you hate me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
