Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
