Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
