you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
