Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
