I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
