I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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