Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
