Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
