i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
