I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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