So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
