Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
