sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
