i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
