So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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