I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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