I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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