i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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