and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
