dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
