I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
